Originally printed in 2002 in Crime, Justice and America magazine and reposted with permission from Crime, Justice and America magazine
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse’s behind.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first… then started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care, my car was parked around the corner.
A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter who thought he was a stud was once arrested for murder but was never nailed.
The window glazier went to great panes to conceal his past.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason gets stoned regularly and his alibi is as solid as a rock.
The cabinetmaker is an accomplished counter fitter. So who did it?
The window glazier. But he claims he was framed.
A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.
“Could you give me a description of your husband ma’am?” the officer asked.
“He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children.” the woman replied.
“Wait a minute!” the neighbor protested. “Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children.”
“Yes, but who wants HIM back?” the woman said.
A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force.
“If you’re driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?” he was asked.
Without hesitation, the young man replied, “Seventy!”
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one, the fisherman says to the warden, “I didn’t catch these lobsters, they’re my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
TEACHER: What do you want to be when you grow up, Johnny?
JOHNNY: I want to follow in my father’s footsteps and be a policeman!
TEACHER: I didn’t know your father was a policeman!
JOHNNY: He isn’t! He’s a burglar!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11’3.”
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12’4.”
“What do you think?” one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s go for it!”
For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 A.M. on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation.
All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly killed myself.”
And the sergeant said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”
A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn.
The cop asked, “Can you explain why you’re out at this hour?”
“If I could,” the drunk said, “I’d be home by now!”
A man was made the police chief in a nudist colony. He liked the job, but putting on the badge was murder!
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.
The detective asks, “Sir, is that your wife?”
“Yes.”
“Did you hit her with that golf club?”
“Yes. Yes, I did,” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.
“How many times did you hit her?”
“I don’t know. Five…six …put me down for a five.”
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor’s house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver’s window and asks, “You drinkin’?”
The driver said, “You buyin’?”
A sergeant bawled out a rookie.
“Did you watch all of the exits like I told you?”
“Yep,” the rookie answered. “I think he must have left by one of the entrances!”
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