Originally printed in 2002 in Crime, Justice and America magazine and reposted with permission from Crime, Justice and America magazine
Absolutely-True Testimony From Guaranteed -Actual Transcripts (Nah, probably not)
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself…
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand…
Plaintiff’s Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff’s Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I’m not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff’s doctor.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and
the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the “Colonel” stand for?
Defendant: Well, it’s kinda like the “Honorable” in front of your name. Not a damn thing.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you an SOB, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were an SOB?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re an SOB.
And Some Bonus Laughs
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
“Show him right in!” our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it “ …and you tell them that we won’t accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don’t even call me until you agree to that amount!”
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; “Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?”
“I’m from the phone company,” Mr. Jones replied, “I’m here to connect your phone.”
And Finally…
An old con was talking to a new inmate in prison.
“What are ya in for, kid?”
“I tried to make a new kind of car.”
He replied. “I took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth.”
“Really? What did you get?”
“Fifteen years for auto theft.”
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